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Used with kind permission from Unimagined Fanfic.

**Be warned! This story contains graphic sexual situations and may not be to everyone's liking. If you don't like that sort of thing or are not considered an adult in your space/time continuum, we're going to have to ask you to leave this page.**

Desperate Measures

by Jerboa

Bright green leaves were swaying and gently crinkling under the force of a warm breeze. The air was thick with the rich scent of wildflowers and fresh earth, complemented by the soft sounds of birds chirping and small animals scuttling away through the thick foliage.

The entire planet was dense with nature, so that one could not take a step without landing in a thick brush of leaves and plants and grass. The wind was warm, fresh, and a delight to the senses. Everything on the planet was.

It was a shame Stanley was too busy muttering and cursing to notice it.

Stepping on, and quite effectively crushing a short plant with big round leaves, captain of the Lexx Stanley Tweedle sighed in exasperation for the tenth time in the last minute. Behind him was Kai, although the assassin was being so quiet he might as well have still been back by their moth.

"I hate this," Stan complained. "I mean, I *really* hate this!"

"I am aware of that, Stanley," Kai said, calmly following Stan's clumsy stride. "You have pointed it out several times already."

"Yeah, well, I mean it. I hate visiting planets. Especially uninhabited ones. Because at first, they look real nice and pretty, but then someone comes along and tries to kill us or eat us or… or do *something* to us that wouldn't have happened if we'd stayed on the Lexx!"

"It was Xev's desire to explore this planet as a potential home."

"Then Xev can stay here," Stanley mumbled. "I've had it with all this… exploring."

Finally at a loss for more complaining, Stan sighed, and continued walking. Xev was probably having a great time checking out every square inch of this place. She certainly wouldn't find any naked men waiting for her, but that hardly changed her feelings about exploration.

They had agreed to go their separate ways and meet back at the moth; the only way Stan would agree to walking away from the safety of the little ship was if someone came with him. So Kai did.

After a few more minutes of walking, Stan stopped to catch his breath. Kai primly stood beside him, silent as always.

"Is this as boring for you as it is for me?" Stan asked, wiping the sweat from his brow.

Kai appeared to shrug. "The dead do not--"

"-get bored, I know. Sorry I asked."

Deciding to forego any further comments, Stan took a long look around the vastness of the land. Leaves and grass and plants. Yay.

He was about to take a step forward to resume the trek when he felt something tickling his right leg. He frowned and bent down to scratch at it, but with horror realized that the *something* was now slithering up his leg, wrapping itself around it.

"Kai! Kai!" he panicked, slapping at his leg in a futile attempt to dislodge the intruder. "Something's on me!"

It took a split second for the former assassin to react, cutting open the pants leg of Stan's uniform to reveal the bottom half of a bright yellow snake, still slithering higher up.

Stanley's eyes widened in panic. "Get it off! Get it off!"

Kai grabbed the creature's tail, but pulled it away a split second too late. Stanley shrieked in shock and pain as the small snake sank its teeth in the last place any man would want them.

The snake disposed of, Stanley grabbed his crotch with both hands and doubled over, collapsing to the ground, moaning desperately. He was vaguely aware of Kai kneeling beside him, attempting to assess the damage.


"It bit me! It bit me right *there*!" Stan cried, actually managing to sound indignant, as his body began to shiver.

"I must see the wound." Kai said, his hands trying to uncurl the unfortunate Stan.


"If you wish to survive, I must see the wound."

Despite the reality of Kai's word, Stanley still hesitated. Just the *idea* of… of…

But soon, the burning pain and a rising feeling of nausea made him realize he could die if not tended to. So, still hesitant, he allowed Kai to straighten him, pulling his hands away from his groin.

He flinched as Kai used his wrist-brace to tear open the front of his uniform, but the pain was intensifying and he resolved to let Kai take care of it. How, he had no idea, but he knew to trust Kai.

Soon he was exposed, and groaned as Kai's cold fingers carelessly grabbed his cock, manipulating it to get a better look at the bite. Somewhat dizzy, Stan strained to see, and promptly shut his eyes at the severe red mark right on the head of his organ. He groaned again.

"The venom appears to be toxic," Kai was saying, not sounding the least bit like he was holding his captain's sex organ between his fingers. "I must remove it if you are to survive."

"How… how are you going to do that?" Stanley asked, gritting his teeth as Kai pinched the tip of his cock to examine the bite. He doubted Kai could get him back to the Lexx in time, and Xev and the moth were nowhere near. They hadn't even brought squawkers with them.

Stanley closed his eyes tightly again. He was lost. What could Kai do? There was no way he could get the poison out of him.

Kai, however, barely had to consider his question. "I will remove it orally," he said, matter-of-factly.

Stan felt Kai move to bend down closer to him, and his eyes popped open in shock. "You… you're going to suck it out? Are you serious?"

"If you wish to die, I will allow it. However, there is no one present to pass the Key to."

Stanley's head thudded back, and he grumbled, "Oh, boy," overcome by the pain and the desperation of the situation.

Kai, however, had taken his resignation as approval. A second later, a cool pair of lips was pressed to the head of his venom-swollen cock.

Stan couldn't help but groan, his body stiffening as the lips tightened, and a strong pulling sensation tugged at his organ. A tongue, moist and chilly, gently brushed against the sensitive skin as Kai sucked out the first few droplets of venom.

His head suddenly swimming, Stan twitched under the assassin's oral ministrations. The cold was a relief and helped calm the burning of the bite; however, another heat, this one slowly intensifying, began taking over. Stanley swallowed hard and tried not to move.

Kai paused to spit the venom out, and quickly resumed his actions. This time his mouth sucked even harder, pulling the organ deeper inside, and Kai's hands reached up to pull Stan's thighs apart to allow himself more room to maneuver.

With each powerful suck, the venom oozed out and left Stan feeling much, more alert; the pain was slowly dissipating, partly due to the coolness being applied to the tiny wounds. Stan found himself feeling something else as well; as the pain left him, a much more familiar, and pleasant, sensation was taking over his crotch. He moaned his approval, grinding his hips once before catching himself.

Stan's eyes suddenly opened again. Was he delirious? Was he actually enjoying this? This was Kai, the dead guy, sucking on his cock. The mere thought would have disgusted him under normal circumstances. It most certainly was not part of his regular fantasies, to say the least.

But these were not regular circumstances.

Kai's tongue swirled around the tip, catching a few errant droplets he had spilled. Stanley gasped, his body jerking. God, it felt so good. From that moment on he didn't care if he was delirious or not. He just didn't want Kai to stop.

He hear Kai spitting out a mouthful of poison, but when his mouth didn't return, Stan opened his hazy eyes to see what was happening.

Kai was frowning. "I believe I have removed most of the venom, but your organ appears to have swollen considerably."

Panting, Stan leaned his head back, hands curling into small fists. "Maybe… maybe you should… keep going then," he gasped, resisting an overpowering urge to push his hips higher towards Kai's face. Anything to get that mouth on him again.

Kai, however, was considering his words. "You believe it would be prudent?"

"Oh yes!" Stanley moaned. "Please. Just don't stop."

Luckily the dead didn't argue, and Kai dipped his head down to take in Stanley's now-throbbing organ.

That wonderful coolness assaulted his heavily swollen cock, and all thoughts of the boring planet and the mean little snake were gone as he shivered under Kai's talented sucks, crushing handfuls of leaves beneath him in his grasp, biting his lip to keep from screaming desperately.

Kai, utterly oblivious to anything but his goal to remove the poison, took Stan's cock deeper in his mouth than he had yet, and his hand traveled to the base of the organ, massaging it to squeeze out any excess venom.

It was too much. Stanley was gasping, barely able to catch his breath; every cool suck was now a strong current, pulling him closer and closer to a sweet pinnacle of pleasure. Sweat drenched his body, and he felt himself moving erratically for a few seconds, unable and unwilling to control himself… and with the force of a crashing wave on a beach, exploded deep into Kai's mouth, a long shattering moan spilling from his throat.

It took a while, but finally Stan's ecstasy-hazed mind settled down and, drawing in a deep breath, he opened his eyes to see Kai, staring at his face. He had to suppress a smile, for still shining on Kai's lower lip was a whitish fluid that certainly wasn't snake venom.


Stan sighed, but it sure wasn't from exasperation this time. "I'm okay, Kai."

"I believe I have effectively removed the poison. You will live," Kai said, helping Stan sit up.

"Thanks." Stanley said contently. "… For saving my life," he quickly added, before Kai could give him a strange look.

"I did what was necessary," Kai said, deadpan. "Otherwise we would not have been able to control the Lexx."

This time, Stan couldn't help but laugh. Kai was helping him to his feet, and he tried to maintain his modesty, despite his slashed uniform. He wobbled on his legs for a few seconds, an aftereffect of the venom and… Kai's rather effective treatment.

"Thank you for being so practical, Kai," Stan said with a grin.

Kai merely tilted his head and said nothing, reaching out to help Stanley walk. The two made their way through the thick plants, back to the moth, and back home.

The End

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