Lexx: Fanfic

The universe, while not a thing in itself, had been an object of terrifying power and mystical wonder ever since the earliest living creatures first looked up into its vast emptiness. By scientific definition, the universe was an infinite void; but, through mortal eyes, it was the definition of life and death itself, for it both contained and destroyed life. It was beauty and horror, light and darkness, a wild beast that some sought to tame, all the while knowing it would not, could not be empowered or contained by insignificant mortals.

Some had tried. All had failed.

For mortals, when not within the protection of a natural or artificial vessel, the universe meant only cold, merciless death.

To Adami, the universe meant only life.

Of course, she was not like other mortals.

Adami would be considered a god, or an omnipotent entity by most other life-forms. This was untrue, of course; godliness only existed when one being possessed an inexplicable and inexhaustible power over others. And since there would always be someone more powerful than the next, godliness was an inexistable concept.

Adami possessed great power, but did not seek to personify herself as a deity. She, like mortals, had been born and would someday die. She could feel joy, sorrow, pain, love and hate. She had talents and faults, dreams and hopes. Yet she could not experience any of these like corporeal mortals could, and therefore could never make them understand that she was, in fact, very much like them.

But Adami didn't mind that. It never stopped her from accomplishing what brought her more joy than anything in the universe.

Life.

Adami loved life. Her kind had evolved with an intricate love of life and a desire to see it flourish, and to restore it when it had been savagely stolen away. For, unlike most mortals, who only possessed the power to bring death, Adami and her kind had the power to bring life.

Adami had many times tried to explain the nature of her kind to mortals, but their minds could not comprehend. In time, she had come to describe herself and her kind as beings of pure energy, who lived very much as mortals did, only with a different definition of life. She was not immortal; she too, would some day know death. But her death would not be brought on by anyone or anything but herself. Adami knew that when the time would come, she would know when to slip away from life and be greeted by the relieving oblivion of death.

But not now, not yet. The gift of life was hers to give and she sought to give it until the very last possible instant of her life.

To Adami, gracefully drifting through the endlessness of the universe was a wonderfully sensuous experience. She could not feel the cold that surrounded her, nor the lack of air. It wouldn't have mattered anyway; in her current form, the dangers that would normally threaten life could not affect her.

Through mortal eyes, she now appeared as a luminescent entity, a spectral being of pure energy and of infinite power. To herself, she was merely assuming the natural form she had been given. It was a warm, comfortable form, although she did also possess the ability to alter this form. Adami in herself was not female; her kind did not recognize gender, neither did they dispense individual names. The form she chose to appear as whenever in the presence of other mortals had become traditionally female. On one of her such visits, she had been called the 'Adami'-- the giver of light. She had felt great joy at this name and had kept it with her.

And so existed Adami. By choice, she traveled through this vast universe, observing people as they went on with their lives, oblivious to her presence. And whenever she could smell the glacial stench of death, come to replace the warmth of life prematurely, she would appear and restore what had been unrightfully taken away. This gave her great joy. She could not even begin to entertain the thought that such an act would be wrong.

Life cannot be wrong. Something that felt so pure, so warm, cannot be wrong.

Adami was convinced of this.

And so she continued her journey.

***

Xev sighed, softly drumming her fingers against the top of 790's disembodied head. She sat cross-legged on the step in the middle of the bridge, alternately glancing at Stanley, who stood slouched against the command post, and the viewscreen, which displayed the Lexx's progression through space. Normally, she would have enjoyed watching the pleasantly simple view of the universe, and the familiar sight of the little silver dots of stars against the inky black background of empty space, but not today. For today she was absolutely bored out of her skull, and as she watched Stanley Tweedle practically falling asleep standing up, she guessed the feeling was mutual.

In an effort to distract herself, Xev took the time to look around her, at the insides of this huge insect they were traveling in, this machinelike yet living being named Lexx.

In a way, Xev felt safer and much more comfortable to be soaring through space in a ship that was, technically, alive. A normal, mechanical vessel really couldn't do so much without specialized people controlling it, and could very easily fly itself into some unknown danger. But Lexx had a mind of its own and, even though he was under Stan's control, was still capable of some degree of independent thought. It had amused her countless times to hear Lexx and Stan interact, and she had come to think of Lexx as a rather naive child who didn't know his own strength. This was, she mused, probably the safest place to be in the two universes, seeing that Lexx was the most powerful weapon of destruction in those two universes.

But as much as she enjoyed pondering about Lexx's nature, right now she was really bored. "There's really nothing out there?" she asked, more of an attempt to pass the time with some conversation than a question.

"Wait, I'll check." Stan mumbled, the side of his face pressed against his arms. He raised his head to look at the viewscreen briefly, then let it fall on his crossed arms again.

"Nope," he told her. "Nothing."

Xev thudded her head back against the command post, brushing one hand through her cerise-colored hair, untangling a few strands. "We've been floating around pointlessly for what, over a week? We haven't even run into a planet, or a ship, or anything."

"I know," Stan mumbled.

"I hate this," Xev snapped. "There's nothing to do."

"Well, I know what we could do." he said, bowing his head to look at her. It was obvious what he was implying, but his tone clearly indicated he knew what the answer would be-- yet again.

Xev didn't bother to answer. Instead, 790 wailed, "Don't listen to him, angel of mine. He appears to have gone delirious."

She smiled at her over-protective robot head. She knew all too well his love and endless devotion to her was utterly artificial, and yet she couldn't hide her delight at his constant demonstrations of passion. After a lifetime of pain and rejection, it was normal to enjoy basking in a little attention, after all.

Finally, Xev placed 790 next to the command post where Stan was still slumped unceremoniously, and rose to her feet.

"Where are you going?" Stan asked.

She shrugged. "To wake Kai, I guess. Things are always more interesting when he's around."

"Aw, don't do that," Stanley whined, although it was unclear whether he was actually concerned about Kai wasting his protoblood supply, or simply because he didn't want any competition.

"Xev!" came 790's voice from the ground. "What do you need the dead man in black for? I can delight and entertain you with my words of love--"

"Yeah, you do that, robot, and I'll personally toss you off this bridge." Stan said, hardly with enough energy to sound menacing.

"Why not do us all a favor, Tweedle, and toss yourself off the bridge."

Xev shook her head and, leaving the two to their bickering, set off through the fleshy hallways of the Lexx.

***

Adami smoothly glided through open space, patiently waiting to encounter a planet or a vessel in need of her skills. Occasionally, she sensed the warmth of a nearby star, the icy gases of a nebula, even the subtle gravitational pull of a planet. But so far, no one in need of her.

She felt a bit sad. The last object she had encountered was a small ship where two of the crew had recently died following an accident. She had restored life to them, and they had been very grateful. This encounter had made Adami very happy, but now she hungered for the chance to breathe life into another poor soul.

She drifted around for a while longer, until she felt a strange shift in gravity before her. Something very big-- she focused on what she could from her distance. A ship. A very, very big ship. She focused a bit more... a living ship. A very powerful, very big, very living ship.

And then she sensed it, the familiar coldness of death, of a very old death. Finally! She wanted to see more.

Increasing her speed until she felt she was directly in front of it, Adami finally saw the ship she had sensed: a very large insect loomed before her.

If she could have smiled in her present form, she would have. What a beautiful ship! She had never seen so much life in just one being. She couldn't stop looking at it, absolutely enthralled by its sight.

But, she had work to do, and Adami shook herself out of her rapture. She silently focused again; yes, there was indeed the evil hand of death within this lovely vehicle of life. She had to find out more.

Quickly, she altered her outward form, thus making herself imperceptible to normal eyes. After all, she didn't want to frighten anyone before she could explain herself.

Adami trailed along the side of the big ship, noting its robust contours, a mixture of sophisticated technology and vulnerable yet powerful flesh. She stopped as she reached what seemed to be its head, where she could feel its thoughts and memories. She just needed to unearth a bit more. Ever so gently, Adami allowed her form to seep within its brain, just enough to learn what she needed...

Lexx.

This being's name was Lexx, Adami saw. And along with that she sensed his memories, the memories of his birth, his growth and what he had seen throughout his life... in this brief instant, Adami had assimilated all of who Lexx was, everything he knew, everything he could say or do. Within Lexx's mind Adami had seen others, others that lived within him. She wanted to learn about them, too.

She carefully flowed out of Lexx's brain, and sensed, as well as saw, three more life-forms. One was speaking. "I hate this. There's nothing to do."

Adami immediately recognized she was female. She quickly swooped down and touched her mind, just as she had done with Lexx. The female didn't even feel or see anything.

Xev Bellringer, Adami saw. She had known a life of trials and suffering, but she was happy now, and that was all that mattered. She was quite lovely, too. She had flaming red hair and a fiery spirit to match.

In that split-second, Adami had absorbed every aspect of her mind, to the point where she could accurately predict her next thoughts, her next moves.

"Well, I know what we could do." said the other one.

A male. Adami swept through his mind.

Stanley Tweedle. A curious man. He had the power for great bravery and nobility within him, yet he had not yet learned how to harvest that power. In time he would, Adami thought.

"Don't listen to him, angel of mine. He appears to have gone delirious."

An artificial life-form ? Even more curious. Adami absorbed his mind as well.

Having completed this task, Adami quickly saw in her mind's eye the being whose death she had so strongly sensed.

Kai. But he wasn't quite dead. Or was he? Adami had never seen anything like him . But she did know she had smelled his death, and where there was death there was room for life.

She glided through the insides of Lexx, heading decidedly for the location of this being. She had to act fast... she knew from what she had taken from the other three's minds that their soon-to-be conversation would lead Xev to Kai. And, since she could already predict Xev's reaction to seeing her, she wanted to complete her task before scaring anyone.

Adami finally ended up in the room where Kai rested-- the cryochamber, she remembered-- and prepared for the task ahead of her.

She focused her mind again, this time on re-arranging her own molecules into a shape she knew was as non-threatening as possible.

Slowly, her glowing energy-like substance coalesced into a humanoid form, then the light faded away to reveal the human form of Adami.

She now appeared as a middle-aged human female, short golden hair speckled ever so slight with gray, large blue eyes a perfect example of warmth and kindness. She wore simple, emerald-green robes.

Adami took a few steps towards the glass coffin encasing the being known as Kai. Yes, she thought, he was indeed dead. And yet she felt dimly confused by what she had seen in Xev's and the others' minds; not alive, but animated, with the help of a vile substance called... protoblood? It didn't feel right. Stepping closer, she pushed her hand through the frosty panel of the cryo-pod as though it weren't there, and gently stroked his face, waiting before she collected his mind. He was beautiful, she thought. His eyes were closed and he seemed relaxed, as though frozen in a peaceful sleep. She felt his hair, caressing the silken ebony strand that tumbled down the side of his face. It stood out darkly against icy white skin, marred only by a fine crimson tattoo on his right cheek. His supple, elegant body was clothed with a coarse, black garment.

He seemed to radiate beauty and innocence, and yet he was dead. Adami could clearly feel this. What kind of a puzzle was she facing now?

She hesitated before searching his mind, as though somehow knowing his true nature would spoil his loveliness. She could have tapped into the memories she had borrowed from the others, but she preferred to learn about Kai from himself. Instead she continued to gently touch his face, brushing the tips of her fingers against his closed eyes, feeling the light softness of his dark eyelashes. She pressed her palm against his cheek, wondering about the significance of the tattooed line she traced with her thumb.

Eventually she placed her hand flat against his chest, feeling the cold, mechanical device beneath the surface of his clothing. She urged to remove the sinister apparatus and replace it with the warmth of a beating, vibrant heart instead.

He didn't even stir, utterly oblivious to her presence. He remained still and quiet, like a child safely and comfortably sleeping away.

It was time she learned just who this Kai really was. She pressed her hand to his forehead and closed her eyes, breathing deeply.

And she then understood the horrifying fate this young man had known.

He was Kai, last of the Brunnen-G.

Kai, whose very own death had been stolen, twisted and manipulated by a spawn of such evil and darkness that even Adami couldn't believe it. Kai, shackled to a life that wasn't one, had been enslaved as an assassin by the one who had effortlessly taken his life, his death, his very essence... Kai, while now free of his enslavor, was still a prisoner. He was dead, forced to wander the realm of the living, a world he didn't belong to. Yet he didn't quite belong to the other realm either. He was trapped in a purgatory where the boundaries of life and death were undefined to him. And Adami also felt the pain of this man. The intense pain of his profound loss, having witnessed his homeland, his people, his loved ones destroyed.... and another pain, one of having both witnessed and committed forced atrocities during his enslavement. Adami knew that Kai constantly portrayed an emotionless facade, in an attempt to appear coolly indifferent to the memories he carried... but Adami knew how deep down, no matter how hard he tried, the sorrow and regret of his acts had a very important place within him. And yet, due to the state of his body, he had no way of expressing that pain.

The intensity of this sudden wave of knowledge hit Adami so strongly that she recoiled from Kai a bit, removing her hand from his forehead.

She couldn't believe it. She just couldn't believe it.

It wasn't fair for a being to carry so much pain. Not without having the fire of anger to express it, or the tears to release it. She felt intensely relieved that she was here to help.

She stepped back a bit and closed her eyes, thinking about the information she had collected from Lexx, Xev, Stanley, 790 and Kai's minds, and briefly envisioned the outcome of her actions.

It was time. But by now, Adami knew that she had wasted precious moments as she contemplated the inanimate Kai, and she could already hear the footsteps informing her of Xev's arrival. She stepped away from the cryopod, letting her arms fall defenselessly to her sides, ready to face Xev, knowing exactly what needed to be said.

Xev stopped dead in her tracks the second she saw the unexpected sight of an elderly female standing next to Kai's pod. Adami knew that her first instinct was to be concerned about Kai's state before considering any possible danger to herself. She was pleased to see that Kai had someone so selfless to care for him.

Adami raised her hands and took another step away from the cryopod, clearly displaying she meant no harm.

"Who are you?" Xev asked, carefully approaching. She kept glancing at the pod, trying to see if it was damaged in any way.

"My name is Adami." she answered. She spoke in hushed, silken tones.

She patiently waited for Xev's next question, already knowing what to answer.

"Did you stow away on the Lexx?"

Adami gently shook her head. "No. I arrived here by myself. I knew you needed my help."

Xev frowned, not quite understanding. "What are you doing with Kai?"

"I have not harmed him in any way. You have my word."

And she stepped even farther away from the pod, allowing room for Xev to check for herself. She quickly walked up to the pod, peered inside, and nodded to herself when she saw Kai was undisturbed.

She turned back to Adami. "How did you get here?"

"I arrived here by myself."

"Do you have a ship?"

"No."

Xev paced a bit, nervously smoothing her hands around the bottom of her lizard-skin dress. "Why are you here?"

Adami smiled. "I came here because you need my help."

Xev blinked. Adami knew she was confused and patiently waited for her to continue her questions. It was the only way she could eventually understand.

"What kind of help do you have to offer?" Xev asked.

Adami answered by stepping up next to the cryopod again. She placed her hand against the frozen glass. "I can restore Kai to life." she said.

Xev's face seemed to illuminate itself upon hearing those words, but she quickly replaced it with a skeptical gaze. "How?"

Adami lifted her hands, palms up. "I have a power," she explained. "I cannot explain why because it is part of my nature. I can restore life whenever and to whoever I wish."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that."

"And Kai will be completely alive again?"

"Yes."

"Will he remember anything?"

"He will remember everything he remembers now."

Xev's eyes were wide with exhilaration. She stared at the pod. "He'll really be alive?"

"As though he never died."

And Xev believed her. Adami could see it. They both smiled.

"You can really do this for Kai?" Xev asked, suddenly excited. "Right now?"

"Right now, if you wish." Adami said.

Xev nodded energetically, motioning towards the pod. Adami saw she was still a bit confused and wasn't quite sure what to expect, but the mere possibility of seeing Kai alive and well again thrilled her.

Adami smiled warmly. She was happy Xev trusted her.

She turned to Kai, and felt even happier that she would finally be able to release him from this bodily prison and give him the chance to live and breathe and think and feel again.

Once again she effortlessly pushed her hands through the frosty panel, briefly stroked Kai's milky-white and innocent face under Xev's anticipating gaze.

Adami closed her eyes and breathed deeply, both hands now clasping Kai's shoulders. She exhaled, and focused her energy towards her hands, feeling the familiar intense heat pouring from them, filling and enveloping Kai's body. Her head kicked back a little and she visualized her precious life energy raining from her hands. In her mind's eye she saw Kai's form, slowly filling with an expanding spark of shining life. She fixated on the sight to the point of complete abandon, of oblivion to anything else. She could no longer see Xev, the cryopod, the Lexx itself.

Nothing else mattered.

She felt glorious. Slowly she could sense the vile, icy death draining away, utterly frightened away. Her senses were filled with the vital energy she was both dispensing and basking in. It was almost complete. In her mind she swept her gaze over the newly-born being before her, bathed in a luminescent glow. She felt little bursts of memory, a blur of emotion... all that would finally take their place again.

She had saved the best for last. She felt within the humanoid light for the cruel, unnatural device she had seen earlier. Grasping it in her hand, she crushed it until it completely disintegrated. And when she opened her hand again, a strong, vibrantly warm heartbeat replaced it. It was done. Adami felt her head spin as she opened her eyes, taking a second to restore her equilibrium. Xev was still standing anxiously next to her, staring at her every move. To her, it didn't look as though Adami had really done anything.

The older female removed her hands from Kai's shoulders and, after stepping back as the casing of the cryopod opened, she slipped them around his arms. She was holding him upright as he remained quiescent and unmoving.

"Did it work?" Xev asked frantically. "What did you do to him?"

Adami didn't answer, simply watched Kai and waited. Any second now...

And then, with a gasp that made Xev start, Kai breathed in his very first breath.

"Kai?" Xev asked, her voice a shaky whisper.

Adami smiled and sighed. She could feel Kai beginning to tremble beneath her hands.

He breathed again, this time more smoothly. Then, suddenly, his eyes popped open and his face registered a brief instant of shock before he collapsed.

"Kai!" Xev shrieked, and she plunged to catch him, but Adami was already holding him in her arms as she gently lowered him to the floor.

Kai blinked a few times, breathing shakily. His face was a mask of confusion as he looked back and forth between Xev and Adami, struggling to understand.

"What..." he asked weakly. "What happened?" He raised one hand, flexed it, looked at it quizzically.

"Oh, Kai..." Xev whispered. Her eyes blurred with tears and she gratefully looked at Adami. "Thank you so much..."

Adami merely smiled.

Xev lowered her head to face Kai. She gently placed her hand against his cheek, and he gasped and his eyes widened. "Xev... I can feel that," he said softly.

"I know, Kai." Xev said. Tears trailed down her face. "You've... you've been restored to life."

Kai tried to sit up and Adami removed her arms from around him. He looked at her and frowned, pressed one hand against his chest.

"You did this?" he asked.

Adami nodded, and reached out to caress that lovely black lock of hair again. "I returned what had been unjustly taken away."

He blinked again. "Who... who are you?"

"I am Adami." She rose to her feet. "And if you are happy now, I will leave you."

Xev snapped her head up. "That's it? You're just going to leave?"

"I have no further need to stay." Adami said. "Unless you especially request it."

Xev nodded slowly, placing a hand on Kai's back to steady him. "It's alright, we'll manage on our own. Thank you, Adami."

Adami bowed her head in a farewell gesture, taking a second to admire her work. Kai was obviously still shocked by his new condition, but he would adapt. He seemed even more beautiful now, she thought. She almost regretted having to leave him.

A moment later, her humanoid form melted away into a cascade of brightly glowing light. She flowed upward, and in seconds she had disappeared.

***

Kai still sat on the floor next to Xev, unsure of what had exactly happened, unsure of how to react, unsure of what to do next. He felt Xev's comforting presence next to him and lifted his head to look at her.

She also seemed uncertain of how to proceed, and finally decided to slip her arm around his shoulders, rubbing them.

"How do you feel?" she asked.

Good question, Kai thought. He blinked a few more times, still getting used to the sensation. Even breathing felt odd, almost uncomfortable. He still had a hand pressed tight against his chest and he could feel the steady rhythm of his heartbeat beneath it. His forelock tickled his cheek, and he resisted the urge to scratch at it.

Kai lifted his other hand; it was familiar, yet it was not. He flexed it a bit, feeling the muscle stretch underneath the taut skin. He could see the network of thin veins through his wrist, and he realized they were once again filled with blood-- real blood. This sudden realization filled him with a surge of emotion, although he couldn't quite identify it yet. His mind was still racing to understand what had just been done to him.

"Kai?" Xev pressed.

"I'm all right," he finally said. His voice echoed through his head, almost in a surreal way. Actually, he wasn't sure if he had spoken the truth. He felt slightly dizzy, a bit tired too. He knew he felt cold... he shivered as he realized this.

It felt strange. It felt strange to be feeling again. New emotions were clawing at him and it was difficult to understand them. Happiness, perhaps? Maybe a bit of fear too. It was a normal reaction to his situation, wasn't it?

There was also another strange sensation that felt buried so deeply within him he couldn't tell if he was actually feeling it. Why was his mind trying to hide his own emotions from him? Was this sensation normal for the tremendous shock his body had gone through?

He looked at Xev again, her face mirroring his own apprehension, although her eyes radiated joy and the warm hand she held his shoulder with displayed her tender concern. Kai was relieved she was here with him. Relieved... and happy.

Yes, that was it! He really was happy. He was happy to be alive again, and he was happy to be near Xev.

He smiled shyly at her. It felt good. It felt better than anything had for a very long time.

"I'm really alive?" he asked, not sure if he trusted himself to say anything else with this sudden deluge of feelings assaulting him.

Xev giggled. It was a beautiful sound.

"You really are, Kai!" She leaned closer and embraced him warmly.

Uncertain of how to react to this sudden closeness, Kai hesitantly placed his hands on her shoulders, attempting to return the hug. He started to smile but it instantly faded when he saw the cryopod over Xev's shoulder. It was open and empty, surrounded by the freezing vapors that hissed from above in misty cascades. The sight of his former resting place uncomfortably stirred something within him, and the full realization that mere minutes ago he had been dead struck him like a slap in the face. He suddenly felt chilled to the bone, terrified.

"I want to get out of here." he whispered against Xev.

She pulled away from him, but still held his arms. "Are you okay?"

He nodded, trembling. "I just... want to get away from this room."

"Where do you want to go?" Xev asked.

"Anywhere. Just away from here."

She nodded her agreement and started to help Kai up. "We'll go to the bridge. Can you stand?"

He rose to his feet and his brow creased as he swayed a bit. His legs felt weak but he was determined to make his newborn body obey.

"I'll manage... I think."

He was unsteady but his desire to leave this frightening room gave him enough strength to place one foot in front of the other and move forward. Xev calmly clasped his arm, although it seemed more a gesture of reassurance than an attempt to keep him up.

His feet fell in heavy, awkward steps and he frowned again. The sensation of his clothes rubbing against his skin with every move was still new to him, another sensation he found uncomfortable. Had it always felt like this to be... alive? He couldn't remember. Even his eyes ached as he glanced around the dimly-lit passageway. He closed them for a moment, wondering if it would help.

"Are you okay?" Xev asked, and Kai flinched when she placed her hand against his neck. He swallowed reflexively, opened his eyes to look at her, realizing he hadn't really looked at her until now.

She was truly beautiful, he realized this as though for the first time. When he had been dead, he had seen Xev just as he did now, but somehow her full beauty just hadn't registered up until now. Her eyes were green as a forest and they now looked at him with a tender, almost maternal concern. Her skin was so lovely, so flawless, framed by soft hair that stood out like a whispering fire around her head. How could he not have seen this until now? He suddenly understood what 790 meant when he said she was the "perfect example of the female form".

He could even smell her as she moved her hand up against his cheek. She had a sweet, fragrant scent, like the gentlest of wildflowers. He couldn't believe he had never noticed until now.

"Are you feeling alright?" she asked again, softly.

Kai nodded, the corners of his mouth upturning in a small smile. "Yes." he told her. And he knew it was true.

She seemed pleased with his response, and slipped her arm around his again as they continued their trek through Lexx's insides to the bridge.

They arrived unceremoniously to find Stanley sitting on the bottom of the command post, arms crossed and legs outstretched. 790 sat quietly nearby, both apparently having run out of insults.

"You sure took your time." he said to Xev as he heard her footsteps, not even bothering to turn. Kai watched him and 790 for the first time through his living eyes, and felt a sudden uneasy sensation gnawing away at him. They didn't know he was alive again. How would they react? He anxiously waited to see if Xev would say anything.

She squeezed his arm as though to reassure him and urged him to move forward, in front of the slouched Stanley.

"Notice anything different?" Xev asked, almost playfully.

Kai held his breath, unsure of how he felt about Xev turning this into a bit of a game. But then again, he wasn't sure how he felt about anything yet, so he trusted her.

Stan sat up straighter. "Yes." he began, a bit patronizingly. "Kai's here while he should be frozen up and not wasting protoblood."

She smiled sweetly. "That's true, but try again."

He sighed impatiently. "I don't know."

Xev took Kai's hand in hers, taking a step away from him as though to single him out. "Kai..." she said slowly, relishing every word. "Is alive."

"Yeah, I can see he's out of his cryopod, if that's what you mean." Stanley said.

"No, really alive." Kai finally said, slightly uncomfortable being the center of attention.

Stanley raised his eyebrows, gripping the armrests of the command post as he bolted to his feet. "You... what? Why? What happened?"

"That's impossible!" 790 shouted. "He's trying to trick you, beloved!"

Kai frowned, a little hurt by 790's comment. Why would he believe he would try to trick Xev? Now he knew what Stanley went through every day with 790's jabs.

"No, 790, I saw it happen!" Xev told him, all of the excitement she had contained until now bubbling over. She gripped Kai's hand a little tighter. "He's really alive, just like he used to be."

Kai started to smile at her but was interrupted by Stan's voice. "Wait, wait, wait. Just how did this happen?"

"A woman was here a few minutes ago," Xev explained.

"A woman?" Stanley asked, suddenly interested.

"She's gone now, Stan."

"Oh."

"She had this power, to restore life. That's what she did for Kai."

Stanley scratched his forehead, looking Kai up and down. "Really? Well... you don't really look any different."

"I don't?" Kai said, looking down at himself. But the movement made him dizzy again, and he staggered a bit. He could feel Xev's hand tightening over his arm again.

"I'm okay," he said quickly. "I guess I'll just need to... to get used to living again."

His own words sounded strange in his ears. Get used to living again? No one else ever had to do that. No one else had lived as a mockery of life for two millennia.

He clenched his jaw, feeling a familiar surge of emotion-- anger-- within him, although he couldn't tell what he was angry at. Himself, perhaps?

But his thoughts were soon cut short as Xev, who still hadn't released his arm, began leading him away again. He felt like telling her to let him go, that he could walk on his own, but he knew it would be unfair to release his anger on her. Instead he let her take him.

"Why don't you get something to eat?" she was asking. "It might make you feel better-- make you stronger."

Yes it would, Kai thought. Was he hungry? He couldn't tell. Probably. He hadn't eaten for centuries, after all. Although when Xev started walking him out of the bridge, Stanley following behind, he wondered if what would really make him feel better right now would be to sleep. As his body recovered from its initial shock, he was beginning to feel rather exhausted.

"Shouldn't we get the robot to scan him or something?" Stanley said, trailing behind the pair. "Just in case that lady didn't do quite what she was supposed to?"

"I saw what she did, I trust her." Xev told him. "You worry too much, Stan."

"Yeah, and you don't worry enough."

When they arrived in the galley, Xev finally disengaged her arm from Kai's, allowing him to sit down as she fetched some of the translucent faceplates serving as food plates.

He sighed a bit, leaning his cheek against his hand. His skin felt warm-- it was an odd sensation. When was the last time he had actually remembered feeling something? It had been so long ago, just before he had.... died....

"Hope you like it." Xev said, handing him a plateful of green goo.

Kai shook his head, abandoning his fleeting thought, and took the plate from her grasp.

"Thank you." he said. He contemplated the gleaming jelly-like food, noticing how different it was from the synthesized food he used to eat on Brunnis, the only kind he had known. He briefly wondered if it tasted as strange as it looked, but then he had seen Stan and Xev consume it countless times. It couldn't be so bad. Besides, he would have to eat something, sooner or later. The other two were seated to either side of him, and while Stanley was eating his plate of goo and trying not to crowd Kai with too much attention, Xev kept casting persistent glances over to him, watching his every move like a hawk.

Kai shifted uncomfortably on the lumpy flesh-like seat, self-conscious under her gaze. He wordlessly dipped a finger in the lime-green concoction and lifted it to his mouth. His eyes widened slightly as his lips closed around it; it actually tasted good. Unfamiliar, but good.

"It's not bad." he told Xev, and she smiled happily at this.

They continued eating quietly for a while, until Stanley broke the silence.

"So what did that lady do to you, exactly?" he asked.

Kai frowned. He hadn't thought of it. The woman-- Adami?-- had left shortly after he had regained consciousness. She hadn't even bothered to explain precisely what she had done. It was a shame, as Kai would have liked to learn more about her.

"I'm not sure," he admitted. "Xev? What did you see?" He turned his head towards her slightly.

Xev swallowed and put her plate down. "I didn't really see anything. She was just touching you, like she was in some kind of trance... and then you woke up. Alive."

She pressed her lips together in the tiniest of smiles, and Kai could see her eyes shining with tears again.

He watched her for what seemed like a very long time, staring into those lovely gleaming eyes as though somehow concentrating on the intensity of her emotions would help him understand his own. He didn't feel like crying, though; in fact, he didn't feel like feeling anything in particular. Still, that odd, vague sensation he had noticed earlier was still gnawing at him, almost annoying him in its bluntness. Maybe he would finally understand himself and his newly-alive body once he had rested for a while.

Stan continued, "So what about your... uh, protoblood? Are you still going to need that?"

"No..." Kai said, uncertain. "I don't think so."

He felt through the material of his black uniform over his chest for the protoblood receptacle, but only felt the even smoothness of his chest. "It's gone." he said quietly. He felt relieved again.

"Well, that's great!" Stanley said, bringing his hands together in a short clap as he rose to his feet. "So, what now? You guys want to do anything? Not much going on outside the Lexx, though."

Xev tilted her head to the side, gently rubbed her hands against Kai's shoulders as she lifted herself off her own fleshy stool.

"Kai?" she questioned sweetly. With her graceful hands, she began to gently massage his shoulders.

Kai sighed slightly, the rhythmic pressure of her hands a delightfully pleasant sensation. He closed his eyes and said, "If it's okay, I'd just like to get some sleep."

"Of course," Xev said. She released his shoulders and gracefully ducked next to him, inevitably grasping his right arm again as she helped him to his feet. "Would you like to take a shower first? I know it always helps me sleep better."

Kai resisted the urge to roll his eyes. His head was beginning to hurt and he really just wanted to lie down for a while. But then he realized he still felt the cold of the cryochamber permeating him, and was suddenly eager for anything that would warm him up.

He dipped his head in agreement. "All right."

He could almost swear he saw Xev's face flush a bit and her eyes twinkle when he agreed, but then she turned her head away from him to wave off Stanley.

"We'll be a while," she said to him, decidedly leading Kai away. "We'll come join you later, okay?"

Stan shrugged, letting his hands fall to his side. "Yeah, sure. Okay. I'll be on the bridge."

And without further comment Kai was once again being walked through the Lexx.

***

"Would you like me to stay?" Xev asked.

Kai stared hesitantly at the membranous shower unit. He hadn't noticed until now how wide-open it seemed... how could Xev and Stan stand to shower with such a lack of privacy?

Sensing Xev was waiting for his answer, Kai gently disentangled his arm from hers and said, "Thank you, I'll manage by myself."

"Oh, okay." she said, almost somberly. He curiously noted a small twinge of disappointment on her face. "I'll be in my sleeping chamber." she said, patting his arm. "Come join me when you're done. You can use my bed to sleep."

"Thank you," Kai said again, and he watched her turn and leave until her footsteps faded away. Why had she wanted to stay so much? he wondered. Oh... of course! A sudden wave of realization swept over him. How could he have been so blind?

She was in love with him, he realized, noting another strange stirring of emotion in his gut. She had made it so painfully clear back when he had been dead, and yet was being so subtle about it now. Did she understand he needed time to re-adapt to his emotions first? He felt extremely grateful that she had placed his needs above her own. She really did love him.

Kai smiled to himself, finding comfort in the thought that he was still loved. He reminded himself to tell her how much he appreciated her.

He almost felt bad about sending her away, but he knew he would feel better if he were alone right now.

Kai leaned toward the shower unit and activated it as he had seen the other two do, watching the steady jet of warm water flow from the nozzle.

He reached behind his head and undid his long black braid, shaking the strands loose, then up into his bun to remove the clasp that held it twisted up with a heaviness he had grown accustomed to.p His raven locks quietly tumbled down around his face, spilling to rest over and around his shoulders.

Kai briefly ran his fingers through his heavy black mane before closing his fingers around the fastening of his top. He pulled it down and slipped his arms free of the garment, which he finally dropped to the floor when he couldn't find someplace to set it down on.

He was about to bend down to remove his boots when he stopped. Very slowly, he lowered his eyes to his chest, which he realized he hadn't seen bare for two thousand years.

Now that the protoblood receptacle was gone, he looked completely normal, without even a scar to show for it... but he felt odd to see himself uncovered after so long, as though his own body was alien to him.

Carefully, he touched his chest, frowning. He was pale, too much so. He had always been pale, seeing that the Brunnen-G society was located underground. He had hardly ever seen the sun of his planet, much less felt its heat tanning his skin.

His fingers felt cold against his naked skin, making him shiver slightly, and he pressed them closer, feeling the firm muscle beneath. So strange... he touched one of his nipples, and he winced as it hardened under his cool fingers.

Letting his hand fall away, he sighed, and knelt down to remove his boots, placing them neatly next to his uniform top. Finally he reached and unfastened the top of his trousers, quickly and silently removing them, keeping his eyes averted from himself for now. Completely naked now, he held his breath and stepped into the shower, under the water jet.

Kai opened his lips and moaned in relief as the water flowed over him, enveloping him with its warmth. It felt so good... he closed his eyes, dipping his head under the jet, letting it sprinkle through his hair. The symphony of this new sensation was definitely pleasant and unusually calming. Of course it helped Xev sleep; he was already feeling more relaxed himself.

He turned his body underneath the spray, using his hands to spread the water over his arms and chest. A faint but growing smile formed on his lips; this was definitely something he was going to enjoy now that he was alive again. The water trickled over his chest, warmly caressing it, then flowed down to his stomach, around his slender hips, and finally over his elegantly muscled legs. He hesitated before moving his hands any further down his body. Scowling at himself, he tried to understand why looking at his own nude body was making him so uncomfortable. He had seen himself uncovered many times before and he knew what he looked like. Then again, it had been centuries since he had seen himself naked. He hadn't had any reason, or motivation, to remove his Divine assassin uniform and take a look.

It's just something I'll need to re-adapt to, Kai decided. Like just about everything about me, about... life.

Pulling his wet hair away from his face, Kai raised his fingers to his right cheekbone, over the tattoo he knew was there. He wondered if it still looked the same; he would have to remember to ask Xev for a mirror later.

Slowly, very slowly, he let his hand fall to his chest again. He pressed his palm flat against it, feeling his skin now slippery from the water, smooth pale skin drawn over the shapely musculature of his chest. With now-warm fingers he touched the darker, sensitive skin of his nipple again.

There, nothing to it, Kai thought. He turned away from the water spray, which was obscuring his vision of the rest of his body.

His gaze dropped to his feet, then up his legs, and he stopped at the soft black hair and the long, slender organ nestled above his thighs. Curiously, biting his lower lip, he lowered his hand to his bare thigh, then moved it to gently grasp this dormant part of himself. He felt a strange kind of shock at the sight and warm feel of it; it had laid completely useless for centuries, but now... it couldn't still be so. Briefly, he remembered a while back when he had told Xev his sex organ had not functioned for over two thousand years... he chuckled at himself, finding the idea funny now.

Oh, Xev. She was waiting in her sleeping chamber right now, Kai realized. He'd have plenty of time to study himself and his newly-alive body later. Right now, he wanted to be near Xev again.

With a quick gesture he deactivated the shower unit and reached for one of the flimsy cloths used as towels. He dried himself as best as he could and wrung his wet hair, gently toweling it dry too. Finally he reached for his discarded uniform and only slipped his trousers back on, draping the top over his arm to take it with him. His damp locks, still loose, clung to his bare shoulders and back as he stepped out of the 'bathroom' and headed for Xev's sleeping chamber.

Kai breathed in deeply as he walked, feeling much better and warmer now. His body was beginning to function like he remembered it, and he was finally starting to comprehend the emotions he was experiencing. Once he had rested, everything would be much better.

But he still couldn't deny that odd, nagging sensation. Despite everything, it was still there, quietly screaming for attention. It wasn't physical, but he couldn't tell if it was emotional either. However, all thoughts concerning it vanished when Kai arrived to see Xev sitting beautifully on her bed.

There weren't any other words to describe it-- she was beautiful. And yet she wasn't trying to be seductive or particularly attractive. She merely sat cross-legged, smiling sweetly at him. She was beautiful just being herself.

But it wasn't just an outer beauty... despite himself, Kai had to admit that, even in his dead state, he had always found her attractive. And since he couldn't respond to physical beauty, it had to have been deeper than that. Xev was utterly beautiful, on the inside as well. She had cared for him practically the entire time they had known each other and tirelessly sought to protect him and keep him 'alive' for as long as possible, even though he needed no protection and at times would have preferred to slip free of his existence. But it didn't matter. She had even died once for him. Died... for him.

She was so very, very beautiful.

He didn't realize he had been staring at her until she spoke. "Kai?"

He smiled. Oh, it felt great to be able to smile again. To smile, and to have feelings behind that smile.

He didn't know what to say, so he merely stated "Hi." and sat down next to her on the bed.

Kai could see she was looking rather intently at his naked chest and supple downed hair, although he made no move until he could see what she wanted to do next.

But Xev remained still, smiling radiantly at him. "Kai..." she began. Her eyes darted downward, then up again, as though she seemed to be searching for her words. "You can't know how happy I am to see you like this. To see you alive."

She parted her lips as though to say more, but instead she raised her hands and ever so gently brushed her fingers against his cheek.

Kai drew in a quick breath, his skin tingling under her fingers. He remained unmoving, tense, staring into the green pools of her eyes.

"You're so beautiful, Kai." she whispered. Slowly, very slowly, her fingers moved towards his mouth, tracing his lips.

Kai swallowed hard, wanting to make some kind of move to touch her, but he felt frozen in place. Her sweet, flowerlike scent greeted him again as she inched closer.

And before Kai could think again, she had kissed him.

She captured his mouth with her own, rhythmically moving her lips against his. Kai moaned against her and tried to move his arms around her, aching to feel her against him.

But then she broke the embrace, and pulled away to smile coyly at him.

"Xev..." he gasped.

She lifted her hand again, pressed it against his cheek. "Just testing to see how... alive you were."

"Okay." Kai breathed. He couldn't think of anything else to say. His entire body felt bathed in heat.

She moved herself forward and kissed him again, but this time it was a light, tender kiss, on his cheek. "Get some sleep," she told him as she got up from the bed. "Then we'll see just how alive you really are."

Xev stood over him for a few seconds as though to watch his reaction. Then, Kai nearly moaned again when she turned to leave, quietly walking out of the chamber, turning once last time to wave at him with her fingers.

"Sweet dreams." she said. Seconds later she was gone.

For a while Kai sat alone on the bed, closing his eyes as he felt his heart hammering wildly against his ribs. What she was suggesting was quite clear, and it both thrilled and scared him at the same time. He knew of Xev's accelerated libido-- in fact, he wondered how she had managed to hold out just now when he himself was burning for her touch. The truth remained, he hadn't made love for over two thousand years. The thought frightened him a little. His body would certainly know what to do, but he wasn't quite sure how his mind would react.

When finally he had calmed himself enough, Kai laid himself back on the cool sheets of the bed, twisting his hair beside his head so it wouldn't get in the way. After a few second of lying back, he closed his eyes, and soon felt himself drift off into the pleasant oblivion of sleep.

***

There was a bright light in front of his eyes... something, like an image, he couldn't quite identify. Was this a dream? Perhaps a vision?

Kai squinted, and suddenly the familiarity of the image hit him like a wave.

Before him, Brunnis 2 was under assault, slowly being torn apart by energy sheets from the Foreshadow.

Dream, vision, or not, it didn't matter anymore. He was back in the moment, so real it felt. Kai gripped the hand-held controls of his small insect ship, casting a glance to his fellow fighters. They were few, but they fought with all the strength they had.

Kai maneuvered out of the way of an incoming missile, his mind racing for a new strategy. Their own missiles were depleted and had been useless anyway against the impossible power of His Divine Shadow's weapon. What last, brave course of action was left to attempt?

From where his ship was, he could see his lovely planet glowing under the impact of each energy sheet. It wouldn't be long now. The prophecy had said so.

Suddenly it seemed to ignite, engulfed briefly in a deathly fireball. Then the fireball faded away, leaving an inert, dead planet in its wake.

Kai watched, shocked. He knew this was going to happen. But knowing it was very different from witnessing it.

He felt rather than heard the screams of agony of his people, the people he had known and loved his entire life. And despite the events of the past few days, despite their belief he had betrayed them, he still loved them deeply.

They were all gone now.

Kai felt tears burning behind his eyes, but only for a second. Soon, an overwhelming surge of anger swelled inside him, which he made no attempt to control, not that he could have. All his life he had been told anger was an empty emotion, and acting upon it couldn't bring any good.

Well, the people who had taught him that were now dead. And he wasn't. Not yet.

He aimed his vessel back towards the Foreshadow, which stood triumphant like a huge spider on its deadly web. Pressing his lips together, breathing shakily, Kai knew exactly what was left to do.

"Crash into the control pod!" he yelled at the top of his lungs.

The other two remaining ships turned to obey without question or hesitation, knowing nothing else could be done, because so it had been prophesized, and Kai himself soon yanked at the controls and sent his own ship on a collision course with the insanely powerful weapon.

Missile and energy charges flashed past him, and within seconds the other two insect ships had been destroyed, leaving only Kai.

Kai, last of the Brunnen-G.

But he didn't think about that now. All that mattered was that the Foreshadow was looming closer at an increasing speed. Kai kept his eyes riveted on his target, refusing to think about anything else. Almost....

The exterior doors to the control pod were slowly sliding shut, and Kai moved his body forward as though it would help his ship accelerate its mad course. Almost....

And, in a sudden blinding blast, time seemed to freeze and the world exploded around him. Kai felt himself being hurled through the window of his ship, shards of glass and shrapnel cutting through his clothes and tearing his skin as his helpless body was tossed through the air. With a hard impact that made him feel as though his head had exploded, he collided with the floor, an odd snapping sound reverberating through his body, and was thrown even farther away.

When finally he came to a stop, Kai cracked his eyes open, his ears pounding with the distant sound of an alarm klaxon. Every nerve in his body was alive and screaming with pain, except for his legs, which he couldn't feel at all. He could do nothing but lie there, unable to move, every breath sending sharp needles of pain throughout his brutally broken body. He could smell and taste his own blood, spilling from his wounds. He wondered how long it would take until he died.

But from the back of his dizzied and pain-hazed mind he remembered the prophecy.

His Shadow's order would be destroyed at the hands of the last Brunnen-G. Had he succeeded in his suicidal attempt?

But wait... there was a figure, shrouded in black robes, standing over him now. Though his vision was blurred and his head was throbbing mercilessly, it was quite clear in his mind who this figure was.

"His Shadow." he gasped. So he hadn't realized the prophecy.

"His Divine Shadow," the figure gently corrected. "Yes."

Kai could feel his energy draining but he refused to let himself slip away without making some last, final attempt at bravado.

"The Brunnen-G will defeat you."

It was an utterly ridiculous statement. The Brunnen-G were gone, and he was obviously in no shape to fight any more. But he didn't care about that. All he wanted was for His Divine Shadow to know his people had fought him to the bitter end with every last ounce of strength they had, and had ultimately found a good way to end their existence. It was all that mattered to him right now.

"I do not think so," His Shadow said, speaking softly as though to a child. "The power of Order has destroyed your planet. The power of Order will destroy you. And you are the last of the Brunnen-G left alive."

The last of the Brunnen-G. Kai almost wept at those words.

"The Time Prophet has seen your Order destroyed by the Brunnen-G." It was all Kai could say; his voice was beginning to falter and he could feel himself growing weaker by the instant.

Before His Shadow spoke again, Kai heard the metallic swishing of a dagger unsheathed. The black hooded Shadow knelt down next to him, placing the tip of the small curved knife against his chest. Kai felt the prick of the dagger through his clothes, although the pain seemed rather insignificant compared to the agony assaulting the rest of his body. He was almost relieved it would be over soon. And yet, he lifted his arm as though to try to stop His Shadow from plunging the blade through his chest, despite the protest of pain it brought.

"The Time Prophet's vision appears to be flawed." His Shadow calmly said. And he pressed the knife in.

Kai gasped only slightly, feeling the cold blade burning through his skin and deep into his heart. Soon, the only thing he felt was coldness... a coldness that seemed to radiate from around the blade and spread throughout his limp body.

Darkness swallowed him. But then, as he opened his eyes, he had the strangest impression he was nestled within that darkness. The darkness, and the coldness.

Using only his eyes, Kai looked around. He was somewhere else entirely now, in what felt like a different time, a different universe even. Out of the darkness, somber colors swirled around and formed images. Appearing before him were images of people, men, women, children, but something wasn't right about them. They all seemed limp, as limp as he had been, their mauled bodies drenched in blood. Kai tried to muster any feeling for them, but he remained completely unaffected by the visions before him. Not only that... they seemed strangely familiar too.

Then all at once the figures seemed to animate themselves, struggling to focus their agonized eyes on Kai. The poor souls began screaming, crying in anguish, in pain, begging for mercy, mercy Kai felt no motivation to grant. Some stretched their arms out to him, others shrank away in terror. And Kai recognized these people. They were the people he would meet, and then kill, for the next two thousand and nine years. Innocent or guilty people, young or old, none of it would matter to him. All that mattered was killing them. And he would never feel anything for those people.

But suddenly he frowned, his hands feeling damp. And as he raised them to his eyes, he saw they were covered in dark, cold blood.

Blood he had spilt, powerless to do otherwise. Innocent blood that, in its icy coldness, would stain his hands forever. The image was painfully clear and now permanently etched in his mind.

The butchered people continued to scream.

***

Kai awoke, violently startled, bolting upright in the bed where up to now he had been quietly sleeping in. His eyes darted around him, trying to understand his surroundings, while his fevered mind struggled to deal with the intensity of the images he had just witnessed.

Gradually, reason returned to him. He was safe on board the Lexx, sitting on Xev's bed. And what he had just experienced had been nothing more than a dream.

No, not a dream, he realized. A memory. His death. His two thousand years of killing.

And Kai became aware of something else. The vague little feeling that had laid buried inside since the beginning of his re-transformation was now mercilessly tearing away at him, assaulting him. Evidently his mind had tried to shield him from the emotional intensity of his memories, not knowing how else to cope.

But in sleep, his mind couldn't deny what he carried within himself.

Horrified, Kai pressed a hand against his mouth, trying to muffle the sound of his own ragged breathing. His heart was beating so wildly in his chest he feared it would burst. Long strands of hair were clinging to his face, which he realized was drenched in sweat. In fact, his entire body was covered with a fine sheet of perspiration.

For a while all he could do was sit there, dazed and still confused, trying to come to terms with the racking sensations crying for attention within him. Overwhelming guilt and horror clawed their way through his mind as he finally realized the full scope of what he had done for the past two thousand years. How could he possibly have done such unspeakable deeds? The very thought of taking a life was alien to him. And yet he had done so mindlessly for his entire artificial life. Since his death...

Oh, God... his death. He had died. He had died!

Images of that moments flashed before his eyes, of having painfully survived the crash into the Foreshadow, of His Divine Shadow himself quietly speaking to him, of the icy dagger piercing his heart...

Of everyone he had ever known and loved, dead. His planet, his homeland, where he had been born and had lived, destroyed. And all those innocents, killed by his hand, who hadn't deserved to die... dead. All dead.

Kai gasped, feeling the tears he hadn't shed centuries ago swelling in his eyes. He felt the desperate need not to be alone right now. He had to see someone, anyone who still cared for him despite the monster he had become.

"Xev?" he tried to yell, his voice a strangled cry. "Xev!"

Trembling uncontrollably, he clawed at the sheet beneath him, gathering his strength to yell out again, but Xev was already running down the round passageway that led to her sleeping chamber. Her face was a mask of apprehension and concern as she skidded to a halt next to him.

"Kai?" she asked, a hint of panic to her voice. "I was just coming down to check on you. Are you all right?"

He stared at her through water-filled eyes, silently begging her to come closer. He longed for her touch, for any kind of closeness that would bring comfort.

She seemed to understand this, and she shuffled up to him on the bed. Gently she took him in her arms, brushing the hair away from his face as she held him.

"What's wrong, Kai?" she whispered.

Kai shook against her, his arms wrapped around her as if he were holding on for dear life. He couldn't speak-- he was still having trouble breathing. Memories were racing through his mind and he could barely think straight.

"Did you have a bad dream?" she asked innocently, comfortingly stroking his hair.

He nodded shakily, wiping at the tears that streamed down his cheeks, like a child in her arms. He wanted to tell her-- he had to tell her. But he didn't know where to start. He couldn't find the words to tell her what he had seen.

"What was it about?" Xev asked, cupping her hand under his chin so that she lifted his head to look into his eyes. "You can tell me."

Kai sighed in an effort to calm himself. "My death," he said, his voice small. "I died."

"I know." she said, sympathetically. "It must have been terrible."

"I hadn't realized it until now." he continued, finding the words, his mind slowly beginning to clear. "I mean, I knew it, but it just felt so unreal."

He pulled away from her, sitting up straighter, but he kept his hand cradled in hers.

"I can't imagine what it must have felt like," Xev said. "I once died too, but for me it wasn't so bad. It was like... losing consciousness for a while, and then waking up from a long sleep."

"You were lucky." Kai murmured. "For me, it felt like one long nightmare I couldn't wake up from."

"Oh, Kai." Xev's expression turned to one of sadness. "You're remembering all those years you were His Shadow's assassin, aren't you?"

He closed his eyes in an effort to hide another flood of tears. "Yes."

"Don't try to hide it," she said, her other hand clasping his shoulder. "Talk to me. Tell me how you feel."

"I don't know how I feel." Kai whispered. "I mean, I feel... I feel horrible for the things I did. For those people... I killed."

"You know you weren't responsible for that." Xev insisted. "You were under His Shadow's control."

"I know that." He thudded his head against the skin-like posts around the bed. "But it just doesn't help. Maybe I am responsible after all. If only I hadn't survived the crash, or--"

"Kai, don't you dare blame yourself!" Xev said, grabbing him by the shoulders, shaking him gently. "It wasn't your fault. None of it was your fault! You couldn't have done anything else."

"You don't know that," Kai told her, his voice quivering. "If I can't stop feeling guilty, then maybe I am."

"Kai..." Xev moaned.

He closed his eyes again. "I just feel so dead inside," he said, so quietly she could barely hear him. "I've been dead for a long time. I don't deserve to be alive."

"Stop it!" Xev nearly growled, trapping his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her. "Kai... it doesn't matter what happened in the past. Adami gave you a gift; she thought you deserved to live again. And so do I. There's more to life than just suffering. Life means so much more than that."

"I don't think my life has any meaning." He lowered his eyes, an attempt to hide the moisture shining in them again.

Xev sighed, shaking her head. "That's not true. There's a meaning to every life. With the terrible life I had, I never realized it. But I do now. I know what the meaning of life is."

Kai raised his eyes at her, focusing on her face. He needed to hear more. "What?" he asked softly.

She smiled slightly. "Love."

"Love?"

"Yes, love... and not just the physical kind. Isn't it good to believe that love, real love, can exist in this universe?" Her smile widened and her hand tightened around his.

"I didn't know you thought that way." Kai said, fixated on her.

"I guess it's a bit silly." she said, grinning at herself.

"Not at all."

Such goodness, such beautiful innocence was exactly what made her so lovely, he mused. And in that instant, he found himself completely trusting her, trusting that she was right, that his life did have meaning, and he was struck with an overwhelming emotion he could barely put into words. He wanted to tell her so badly it nearly hurt not to.

"Xev..." he whispered. She had begun stroking his hair again, twirling a few ebony strands between her fingers. She watched him quietly, waiting for him to continue.

"I love you."

The words felt so good he was convinced Xev was right about love. He wanted to cry again. Xev responded by smiling joyously, then leaning forward to press her full, beautiful lips against Kai's.

Her mouth fully claimed his, in a kiss that was even more passionate and powerful than the first. Gently her tongue pushed its way between their lips to explore his mouth.

She tasted as sweet as she smelled, and Kai allowed her control without protest as she slipped her hands behind his neck, pulling him closer. Xev pressed her body against his, gently pushing him down, pinning his hips between her knees. A muffled groan escaped from Kai, a wave of heat tingling through his body until it seemed to settle in his groin. He winced as he felt his organ stirring and then swelling.

Xev broke the kiss with a gasp, and briefly touched her forehead to his before continuing to kiss him, down his neck and finally to his chest. She licked one nipple with the tip of her tongue, listened to him moan, then gently nibbled and sucked the sensitive bead of skin until it grew hard, before moving on to the other one.

Kai squirmed beneath her, hands clenching into fists as his every muscle tensed. He felt his erect male flesh, very much alive, straining against the material of his trousers.

She slid her hands down his body, tugging at his uniform trousers until they opened. Kai drew in a sharp breath as he felt the cool air of the room on his burning flesh, and groaned as Xev wrapped her fingers around it, circling the wetly glistening tip with her thumb. Instinctively his hips gave a quick thrust, and Xev released him to pull his legs free of the material.

He was now laying completely exposed, his throbbing organ pulsing with life, his breath coming in short gasps. His body was once again sheeted with sweat under her gaze.

Xev moved over him, her eyes meeting his, and for a long moment it felt as though time, the universe itself, no longer had meaning.

Only love mattered. Only the pure, beautiful love they were sharing.

Kai moved his hands around her waist, reaching upward to remove her dress, but she pulled away from him. With a quick gesture, she removed the lizard-skin garment herself and tossed it aside. She towered over him in her resplendent nudity, her body like a flawless work of art. Her full, shapely breasts rested on her chest, perfect little nipples pointing outward. Her smooth, lightly tanned skin seemed to be glowing with beauty.

Unable to hold out any more Kai reached for her, urging her to move closer, desperately needing to feel her against him. She did, brushing her body against his, swooping down for another long, passionate kiss.

Kai returned the kiss in all its intensity, nearly overwhelmed by the wonderful heat of her body. He wrapped his arms around her back, gently stroking it until she broke away from the kiss to moan with pleasure. Guided by her reactions he continued to touch and caress her tender skin, evoking sounds of passion from her. When he reached her breasts, pressing his palms against her straining nipples, she whimpered and stiffened, and he stopped.

"Are you okay?" he asked, his voice barely audible. He had forgotten how difficult it was to speak when caught in a tidal wave of passion.

Xev giggled. "You won't break me." she chided, pushing herself more firmly against his touch as though to prove it. "I like feeling you against me."

Another kiss. Another pure, utterly simple proof of passion.

Completely lost in the kiss, Kai began to gently massage the heavy softness of her breasts, feeling her wild heartbeat through the warm flesh. She ended the kiss to gasp for breath, burying her face against his neck as his hands continued their pleasuring quest.

Kai felt her moist, warm breath against his neck, then her teeth biting into the skin of his shoulder as her hips began to grind against his. He threw his head back a bit and groaned, his painfully rigid organ pressed tightly against her hip.

He closed his eyes, basking in the wonderful heat of Xev's body. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt so good, so utterly abandoned to such a pure sensation. Sometimes, when he had been dead, he found himself reaching into one of the many memories he contained, remembering moments of physical intimacy. Never his own, though; for some unconscious reason, he rarely observed his own memories.

But the remembered feelings were nothing compared to... to *this*. Back in his dead state, he felt emotions rather as echoes of emotions, where he recognized the idea but never the actual sensation. It was more like having been explained what emotions were, and, as though never having experienced them, he could only fathom what they must feel like.

But now, his emotions were very real, and so very powerful. Xev's insistent thrusting of her body over his was much more intense than all his intimate memories placed together.

And, as though suddenly aware of the precious gift he was experiencing, something he thought would never live again, Kai wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly as though she would disappear from his embrace if he didn't hang on hard enough.

He felt her stirring as she moved to look at him, sensing the sudden change. "Something wrong?" She was beautifully flushed, and her eyes burned bright with desire.

"Nothing," he breathed. "I never want to leave you, Xev."

Xev smiled and plunged her fingers into the black silk of his hair. "And I'll never leave you."

She leaned forward, nuzzling his cheek before moving to whisper in his ear, "I love you."

Kai exhaled, turned his face to repeat the words to her, but she was already backing away. Her tongue pressed against his neck, tracing little circles on the smooth skin, then trailed a paths of moist kisses down his chest. Her mouth continued to work on his chest and he groaned and writhed as her hands gently rubbed and teased his nipples.

Kai reached for her, needing to touching her, but she caught his hands and held them away as her tongue continued its excursion down his body, tasting him, savoring him. Her skilled hands were everywhere, caressing him intimately. Kai whimpered, his body trembling with need, his blood heating, on fire where she touched him.

"Xev..."

She reached up to take his hand, uncurling the fingers that were so firmly clenching the materiel of the bed, and held it tenderly. With her other hand she very gently stroked his hard organ, up and down, making him shudder helplessly. And when she encased it in her mouth, he bit into his lip to keep from crying out.

Kai tightly closed his eyes, squeezing her hand as she licked the dampness from the tip, then swirled her tongue around his aching member, bathing it in warm moistness, sometimes stopping to suck on it rhythmically. She ran the fingers of her other hand against the inside of his thigh, stopping to caress the fine black hair cradling his rigid organ.

Abandoning himself to the sensations, to the physical ecstasy he had so missed without realizing it, Kai felt his mind reeling with the aching intensity of the experience. His hips were moving, slowly thrusting into Xev's mouth, then faster, until his breathing became loud and ragged and tears escaped his closed eyes. His body stiffened in anticipation of his climax, but in a sudden twist Xev released him, backing away.

He gasped with shock, trembling with the sudden absence of her touch, and he opened his eyes to look at her.

She was smiling-- warmly or wickedly, he couldn't tell through his feverish mind. Before he had managed to think again she was on top of him, straddling his hips, tenderly kissing the tears from his cheeks.

He wanted to talk to her-- to say something, anything, but he could only moan, lifting his arms around her again, needing to feel her.

Finally, she slipped a hand between them, wrapping it around his throbbing organ, and he stiffened again as he felt her warm, silky wetness against his straining tip. With a quick move of her hips, she pushed herself down on him, letting him slide completely within her moist depths. Again Kai moaned, crushing her body to his, once again lost in the feeling. But this one was so much more intense than the pleasure she had given him before-- they were connected now, a part of each other, their bodies interlaced and fused in the heat of their passion, lost in the timeless rhythm of their lovemaking.

It was like a slow dance. Xev was relentlessly grinding her hips against him, burying him within her as deeply as possible. She groaned passionately, sometimes seeking his lips for a quick kiss, reaching up to tangle her fingers in his loosely flowing hair.

Soon Kai lost all power of thought, and he held onto her even more firmly as his thrusts became faster, more insistent, driven only by desire. Sheathed inside her, he felt the throb of her heartbeat, pulsing tightly around his own heated flesh as she rocked against him, sliding him in and out, riding him with such exquisite precision it would have been impossible to believe how inexperienced she really was.

He could feel his blood roaring in his ears, his mind ablaze and unthinking. Gradually he felt his pleasure rising, and finally exploding, filling his senses until he could no longer see or hear.

Xev seemed to melt into him as he held onto her with all his strength, a sobbing cry escaping his lips as he climaxed. With a jerk he pushed his body upward, felt the explosion of pulsing liquid heat flow from him and deep within Xev's accepting body. He felt her spasm against him, and thought he heard her cry out as well, but he could barely think anymore. He continued to thrust, heart pounding wildly, shuddering with the aftershocks of his climax, until he finally fell still, gasping for breath.

Incredible... so much more intense than he remembered. Briefly, the image of a woman flashed through his mind, a lovely woman with hair as black and skin as pale as his own, the only other one he had ever shared such physical intimacy with. But the image dissolved just as quickly as it had come as he caught his breath, leaning his head back to simply feel the glorious sensation he had just experienced.

After a long while, he opened his eyes, and saw Xev's face buried against his neck. He reached up to stroke her hair, kissing her forehead, and she smiled beautifully. With a soft moan she raised herself up, pulling herself free of his soft warm flesh, then gently draped a pastel sheet over them as she nestled herself against him, weaving her fingers in the ebony hair she so loved to feel. "I guess you really are alive." she said softly.

Kai sighed lightly, smiling peacefully. He couldn't imagine a moment that had ever felt more glorious than this one.

He felt Xev's movement as she propped herself up on her elbow. "How do you feel?" she asked.

What an odd question, he thought. "I feel... great." he told her.

"The memories?"

He winced. For a brief, wonderful instant, he had forgotten about the horror of his memories. He shivered a bit as their reality came back to him, but Xev seemed to sense this and she caressed his cheek, a gesture of comfort.

"It's going to be all right, you know." she said gently. "I'm here for you."

"I know." he whispered. Yes, it would be all right. He had her love, and nothing could be stronger than that.

Kai took her hand from his cheek, kissing it. "Thank you."

Xev leaned against him, lifting her head to kiss him. Not a strong, passionate kiss, but a loving, tender kiss. It said so much more than words ever could.

She released his lips, pausing to look at his so-vulnerable and trusting eyes, and rested her head on his shoulder. Basking in each other's warmth, embraced in a loving union, they soon surrendered to a peaceful sleep.

***

Kai stood still, letting his eyes wander around. He knew he was dreaming again-- but this time, there was no fright, no horrible new sensations to tear at him. It was a good dream.

Indeed it was; taking in his surroundings, he saw he was standing in the middle of what appeared to be a lush garden, filled with beautiful and fragrant flowers. In the distance, he could hear the crystalline trickling of a waterfall.

Kai knew of no such place on Brunnis, sadly. The image must have come from one of his memories, but he didn't want to think about that right now. He felt so calm, all he wanted was to enjoy the sight around him.

"Kai..."

A sweet, feminine whisper. One so familiar, it hit him with overwhelming joy.

Briskly he turned toward the voice, and his mind froze when his eyes came to rest on its source. Standing a few paces away from him, clad in a sea green dress that shimmered like ice with each of her movements, was a woman. Her skin was ivory-pale, framed by the black velvet of her hair; a full moon against a clear night sky.

She was smiling radiantly, her long, finely braided tresses resting past her shoulders. She held a small blue flower in her hands, twirling the fragile stem between her nimble fingers.

Kai knew her. His heart belonged to her. He had never loved and would never love anyone like her.

He reached out for her, noting for a second his clothing-- the intricately colorful jumpsuit of the Brunnen-G newborns-- and it took all his strength to whisper out her name.

"Kes?"

"I'm here, my love." she answered. Her voice was a serene melody, the same angelic voice he remembered.

He smiled as she extended her hand, longing for the touch of the one who shared his heart. Gracefully, her warm hand slipped around his, but the second his fingers closed around hers, her tender expression turned to one of horror. She yanked her hand back as though having plunged it in fire, and stepped away from him.

"You..." she said, her tone dripping revulsion. "You betrayed me."

Kai blinked, confused. Betrayed her? How could he? He loved her more than anything. "Kes, no..." he faltered. He tried to move towards her, but she took another step back.

"How could you?" Kes demanded. She crushed the flower in her grasp, throwing the crumpled petals towards the ground.

"I didn't betray you, Kes." he tried to say. "I love you."

"You love... *her*."

Kai frowned, trying to understand. Who? Who could he possibly love, if not his own precious beloved?

No, wait... an image was forming in his mind's eye now, that of another woman... but how could he love her when he loved Kes with all his heart?

He saw the other woman now, a beautiful, red-headed woman, though she paled in comparison to Kes' beauty.

"Xev." she hissed.

Xev? Yes, he knew her. But she was only a friend, wasn't she? He couldn't have shared with her what he did with Kes... could he?

Kes was quietly weeping now, barely containing her anger. "You forgot me, didn't you? You forgot you loved me."

"No!" Kai cried. "I can't forget you. How could I?"

But did he? He struggled to remember the last time they had been together. He saw his planet, some strange insect-like ships... a quick kiss, some words of comfort, before separating and each boarding their own vessel. But if that was true, then...

"You're dead... aren't you?" Kai asked, confused.

Kes startled him by taking a step forward, only a few feet away from him now. "And you thought you could just forget me? Even in death, I never forgot you."

Kai watched her, listened to her, trying to conjure up the memories of the other woman, Xev. Had they...? No, they couldn't have... did they?

"Yes, you did." Kes whispered, answering his unasked question. She no longer sounded angry, only terribly hurt. "But you'll never love her like you loved me. And she'll never love you... like I loved you."

Kai winced, realizing with a sudden shock she was right. He had made love to this Xev. And throughout it all, he hadn't spared a thought for Kes. He couldn't believe it.

"Kes, I... I'm so sorry..." he said shakily. He reached out for her, but she backed away again. "You did forget me, Kai." she murmured. "And you love her now."

"That's not true..." he whispered, closing his hands into fists when she still refused to take them. Instead she turned her back to him, her shoulders gently convulsing with her sobs.

This was another nightmare, he thought angrily. He was so completely aware of it, why couldn't he wake up? Why did he have to endure such pain again?

"Please, I'm sorry," he pleaded. "You have to know what I've been through..."

Kes whirled to face him again, her eyes brimmed with her tears of anger.

Kai shook his head in frustration, closing the distance between them in two quick steps. He took her by the arms, although this time she did not resist.

"I don't love her." he said, firmly. "I can't love her. I love *you*."

Kes said nothing, and neither did he. Nothing more needed to be said.

***

Kai opened his eyes and moaned. Kes? he thought, feeling the warmth of a body pressed to his. He glimpsed red hair, and flinched, waking her in the process. Xev!

"Kai, what's wrong?" she asked, still sleepy, but obviously distraught that he had awoken from another nightmare.

He didn't answer, only looked at her face. Yes, she was beautiful. Yes, they had shared complete physical intimacy. And yes, he cared for her deeply... but he didn't love her. He couldn't. Avoiding her eyes, he looked away. How could he tell her? How could he explain his feelings when he himself had just understood them?

Kes... his beautiful Kes. Another memory his mind had hidden. She had died, shortly before he had. He could grieve for her now, feel the pain of his loss he couldn't feel before. Yes, my beloved, even in death I will still remember you.

"What is it?" Xev insisted, squeezing his shoulder. "Talk to me."

And now, Xev... she was his friend, he felt very strongly about her, but he couldn't love her. Tears filled his eyes again-- how much could a living person cry?--, and the guilt and pain returned full force. Love was wonderful, but all his love rested for Kes. And she was dead now.

Xev was wrong. His life had no meaning. His body was alive, but he had been dead for a long time.

"I'm sorry." he whispered, crawling out of the bed, reaching for his clothes. "I'm sorry..."

She stared at him through uncomprehending eyes, frozen in place.

"What? What's wrong?" she demanded. But he was already putting his uniform back on, and was slowly stepping away. He couldn't stay near her.

"I'm sorry, Xev." he said again. He turned and left her sleeping chamber, walking at first, then running as she cried out his name.

"Kai! Kai!!"

He ignored her, racing through the passageways, uncertain of where he was heading, only knowing he had to get away from her. He felt so guilty. How ingrate could it seem, making love to her and then telling her he couldn't love her?

Gasping for breath he finally came to a stop. He hadn't put his boots back on, and the coldness of the floor assaulted his bare feet. He glanced up-- of course. Unconsciously, he had returned to the very place he most belonged to: the cryochamber. Far from being frightened by it now, Kai felt strangely comfortable.

How could he go on now? He had no love to share, no one to turn to who could truly understand him. Certainly, Xev would try to comfort him, to tell him things would be okay... but they never would be. He understood it now.

He had been dead for too long. His pain had been bearable when he had been dead, but he simply couldn't take it now. He could never be redeemed. He could never come to terms with his memories, with the unspeakable horror of it all. He deserved to be dead!

Kai groaned in frustration, staring at the cryopod. This is where I belong, he thought. But it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair for his life to be taken away and then his death savagely manipulated. How could such unfairness exist?

The fire of his anger overwhelmed him for a moment, and he drove his fist into the casing of the cryopod, making it rattle a bit. It isn't fair, his mind cried. He punched again. It isn't fair... He hit the pod a third time, with so much rage he shattered the frosty glass. The shards tore their way through the tender skin of his hand, and he withdrew it, gasping in pain.

Kai swallowed with difficulty, gripping the wrist with his other hand as he lifted it to look. Blood flowed from the cuts, which weren't deep, but still radiated small circles of pain. Strangely, it was as though they conveyed a clear message to him: you're alive now. And it's never going to stop hurting.

The pain steadied him for a moment, and he leaned against the pod, slightly dizzy. Moisture escaped his eyes as he opened them, staring at his injured hand. Slowly he sank to the floor, felt the vapors of the chamber hiss downward, enveloping him for a second as though attempting a comforting caress. So this was his life now, he thought somberly. Only pain, and guilt, and loneliness....

Kai thudded his head against the cold panel of the pod, letting the tears flow freely now. He had died that day when the dagger plunged through his heart. There was no more life for him to live.

***

With a short gasp, Adami opened her eyes. No! It couldn't be true.

She sighed in faint horror, scanning over the scenario she had just created in her mind, the exact scenario she knew would result from her actions. Before her, Kai was still quiet and unmoving in his cryopod, still dead, still oblivious to her.

Adami looked at him sadly, pushing her hand against the panel of the pod, not venturing any further. Life was a beautiful, pure thing, but not when it brought so much pain. And as much as it angered her to leave him in this state of existence, she couldn't bear the thought of bringing such pain to someone so undeserving of it.

Perhaps it was better this way, she decided. At least this way, he was safe from the torment that would destroy him otherwise.

"I'm sorry, Kai." she said softly. "But you are not meant for life. It's better this way, trust me."

And as she heard Xev's soft footsteps from the passageway, Adami stepped back, adjusted her molecules to make herself imperceptible by her eyes, and waited.

Xev lightly stepped up to the controls, worked them with a knowing hand, and watched in anticipation as the lid to the cryopod opened.

She paced up next to it, smiling sweetly. Kai bowed his neck to look at her, and Adami felt slightly saddened he couldn't be as beautiful as she had seen him in her mind. But it would be better this way, she reasoned.

"Hello, Kai." Xev said.

Kai nodded slightly at her, his placid face expressionless as he contemplated her. "Hello, Xev."

Adami smiled to herself, and silently allowed herself to flow through the organic hull of the Lexx, leaving Kai and Xev alone together, and continued her journey through the universe.